"Mata Rajil Hardaan, Lazim Ahn Sayukun Saakin"--When A Man Is Angry, You Must be Quiet"

Throughout my study of other cultures and religions, I have always been weary of condemning others' practices too quickly, instead trying to keep in mind differing societal values and expectations. Living with a home stay family, you are no longer merely observing these practices from a distance, rather, you are thrust right into the middle of them, and are often forced to interact and deal with those possessing values in stark contrast to your own. Nonetheless, as I continue to grow more familiar with my family, I have become somewhat disillusioned, if not a bit saddened, by the sense of male entitlement and gender roles that dictate the relationship between my host parents. At one point this past weekend, World War III, family-politics style, erupted between my host father and host maternal grandmother, who, unbeknownst to me, have a long-standing feud over numerous issues. Triggering the recent outburst was a small, irrelevant decision related to where myself and another SIT student in the grandmother's home would eat dinner--the grandmother made the decision unilaterally, and the father's pride was irreversibly bruised--he felt as though since he is responsible and liable for my well-being while in Jordan, all decisions regarding me, no matter how large or small, must pass through him. Certainly, I am appreciate of his sense of responsibility for my welfare, however, seeing the way he handled the conflict with his female relatives was very unappetizing--though our academic director warned us that Arabs are "always shouting, and this doesn't always mean they're angry", he takes this to an extreme, is very easily agitated,and conducts probably 70-80% of his interactions with my host mother in a loud, abrasive, confrontational tone.

While recovering from his bruised ego (I of course had no idea I had done anything to cause the conflict, as the relatives will often yell at each other in rapid-fire colloquial, making it hard for me to understand anything. I also didn't find it appropriate to thwart the suggestion of my host grandmother. Had he merely explained to me what the issue was at the time, it could have been avoided altogether...) the entire family was walking on eggshells; at one point, my mother turned to me and and said "When a man is angry, you must  be quiet...and then go and beg for his forgiveness. Eventually, he will come back to you and apologize as well." My host mother is a wonderful, vivacious, warm person, yet seeing her in this marriage is frankly depressing! She is becoming more open about it, but seems more or less resigned--the other day she urged me not to get married anytime soon (no worries there!) and to make a proper contract (literal or figurative) before tying the knot.

"All day, all night...I'm doing housework, and it's hard work!"

"What, he doesn't help you at all?"

"The only way he helps is by making the house messy!"

Whenever my host father comes home, regardless of the time of day, he expects her to drop everything to cook a meal for him. When they wake up in the morning, the first thing she must do is iron whatever shirt he chooses to wear. As he is the breadwinner, everything is his, and all her needs must  be accommodated around his schedule, which so far as I can tell  involves not a whole lot of work, but a fair amount of time smoking shisha with his friends. He comes and goes at any time of the day without consulting her, often stranding her at home with no car. It is, in no sense I can see, an equitable relationship. While I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman who wants to stay home and be a homemaker and care for her husband, the constant condescension and unpleasantness with which he treats her only serves to reinforce what I see as a fundamentally unequal relationship.

She has become more and more open with me, and has said everyone in her family can't stand him and tells her to divorce him and come live in the family home again, but she feels it is important for her son to have his father around, and puts up with her husband because of it. Divorce is not entirely uncommon here, my father's parents are in fact divorced and remarried, but though my mother complains about him (rightfully) to no end, when I asked her if she would consider divorcing him when her son was older, she said she wouldn't.

Nevertheless, she acknowledges longstanding problems between them, most of which he refuses to discuss, and expresses boredom with her life--all day, everyday, in the house, cleaning and cooking and doing laundry, only to repeat the same the next day. I must say, it would drive me absolutely insane. Let me emphasize that I'm not attributing the dynamics of their relationship to anything related to Islam--I think it has a bit to do with Arab culture, but more to do with the huge age gap between them (15 years), the age at which she married him (19), and the fundamental (perceived) power relations that come with those facts. Marriage and motherhood are widely upheld here as the most important achievements in a woman's life, yet the pursuit of those very goals has placed so many restrictions on her life, at such a young age. In a sense, her entire future was spelled out before she started her third decade. 

Our lectures this week have turned away from the political system and more towards women's issues in Jordan--a subject about which I am trying to maintain an open mind, given all I've been observing at home. While our teacher is a beautiful, highly-educated, unmarried and uncovered woman who works for the UN here, she is definitely the exception as opposed to the rule, from everything I have seen here. I am curious, though somewhat skeptical, that my coming week in the rural areas will push my views in the other direction, though one of our teachers insists that in the Badia, women in fact play the dominant role within the household. What is most frustrating is hearing that it is not that the laws of society mandate or advocate gender norms like the ones described above, but rather that women, from a young age, are taught not to want more than to be a good mother and wife, which functionally drives self-discrimination for women attempting to reach high positions within the public sphere. Beginning to feel powerful feelings of adoration for the United States....